Don’t Say Whocares When You Really Cares

This nick from a friend.

..01082008..

Everyone has a past.  There won’t be a present without the past.  As of now, i feel I have a sad past.  Although not as sad as those drama-mama series, it is still considered sad.  Only I can feel for myself.  How long can i continue to feel sad?  Definitely not forever.  There is a limit to it.  I have done whatever I can to make myself recover.  I have scolded him for a period of time, i have hated him, i have fallen into despair myself, I have hated myself, I have find myself very stupid and weak.  I wished him cursed the day he is borned.  I have asked for him to be blessed.  I was angry with myself and with him.  I was everything I was not when I’m still with him.  There isn’t any trace of integrity at all.  As the old saying says, there is no use being sad.  Sad also cannot bring the "dead" back to life.

..31072008..
 

I am happy to be home.  3 days 2 nights passed like a blink of eye.  I took alot of pics but all were gone as I deleted them unintentionally.  ALL the other pics are gone wif the wind too.

Bought alot of stuffs, such as shoes and skincare products.  Ate alot.. HP is a nice travelmate to have.  With her, I had peace during the trip and did alot of self talk to myself.  Alot of strange thoughts came out.  The best is yet to come.  On my way back to Singapore, i watched a korean love movie.  Its by "Quan Zhi Xian", a pretty korean star who looks abit like me *hee*  Aside the point, in the story, the guy she loved died in an accident, which I din managed to catch in front.  When she was on verge of dying during an gunshot operation, the man she loved came back and told her in a dream continue living, and best still, she survived the op and still can see him in "spirit" this is what he told her:  Your time is not up, you will meet another one who has the same soul as me.  When you meet him, you will know its me.  True enuff, she did encounter him through a twist at a train station. 

Hence, xxxxx, xxx.  So that is how I felt peace.  No happiness, no anger.  No anticipation, no disappointment.  No extremes of emotions.  Take note, I’m not a monk.  I will still be angry, be sad, be judgemental with other things.  One thing still never change.  I still take out the "congs" from my noodles at the bus terminal.  Luckily it is still the same. 

..29072008..

Saturday.  Had attended my first blading lesson taught by kaijie and Baoyu was taught by hongwei.  Wendy and Weiling came too. During the session, i have learnt how to balanced and walk but not glide.  Fell two times on my bum only.. was quite good already.  I guess.   I need to get a new pair of blades that is tight fitting, without any space at all.  The rest, have to learn by yourself already. 

Went to HK cafe for dinner after tat..  Went back by bus as couldn’t get cab.  Have quite a pleasant evening.

..26072008..

This is what I would have said to Jacob Goh if I were to confront him:

Don’t just becoz you are slightly above average looking so you can go around toying with girl’s feelings.  You are not worthed it at all!  I think you owe Jac an apology, for what happened 3 years ago.  I cursued you the day you are born.. sorry.. ok i won’t. But i would definitely cursed you the day you are born if you had started with Jac and dumped her later.  If you still have a heart, I want you to apologize to her, for misleading her and going out with her colleague without her knowing.  This is what disappointed her most.  I would like you to think about it and reflect on what you have done.  You better apologize to her by this week, or otherwise, I will come and haunt you again.

..26072008..

Thursday.  Went to one beauty salon for trial facial and was being fleeced on a collagen which costs $48.  Paid as did not want to fight back.  The shop name is called "Beauty Hope", an ulu ulu salon in Bugis, Byland Building.

Wrote a list of dishes for my mum to follow accordingly to teach me the following week after my genting trip.  Told her that it is for my future livelihood, when I live alone by myself.  Indeed, you can purchase a flat when you are above 35 years old.  Yang Liu’en agreed that I should pick up cooking skills, for my next better half (which i freaked out immediately!).  I asked her, why should one learn cooking for other people?  I do not want to be the "Small woman" anymore.  Either you take it, or leave it.  I am just what I am.  I will not pick up skills for the sake my other half.  It is so redundant.  Its as if you are living for other people for your whole life.  Wake up your idea ba, friend!

Marriage is not something which will be forever, there might still be divorces.. etc.  Why subject yourself to such torment when you could be better off by yourself?  I don’t look forward to marriage anymore.  It is just another option, when you are tired of living by yourself.  I would like to adopt maybe two kids, if I were to ever not be married and is ready for it  

Another thing, my friend dunno, for what reason, decided not to go for the dinner which was initially organised by her.  When I asked her via sms/msn, she did not reply.  I did not press on further, as what she did is not right, to forsake one appointment just becoz her mood is not good, or wants to accompany another group of friends who are supposedly more important than us.  What ever her reason is, if you are reading my blog now, please give me a satisfactory reason. Thanks.

..25072007..

..25072008..

As today is the first day of me resuming to becoming a temporary member of shakeleg club, I was quite happy to go shopping at Tampines.  As the day is quite long for me, leisurely, I took my own pace to conduct a retail therapy.  So the results had been quite impressive.

Here are what I have bought:

1.  White silky top ($29.60)
2.  Black tight office skirt ($44.90)
3.  Blue silky top ($32.30)
4.  Grey Belt ($10)
5.  White Belt ($12.90)
6.  Silver accessiories, which consists of two bracklets & one starfish necklace, totals up to $65
7.  Passport size photos ($8)
8.  Dinner at Century Sq ($22)

Total cost :  $159.70

It is really so costly today!  Think I must leave all my credit cards & Nets card at home tomorrow, so I won’t be pressure-sell into taking up any facial packages or buy anything impulsively.  Hence, this should be the best way for me to relax abit first.  Instead of being such a compulsive buyer.  Control, control. 

One thing I have just noticed today.  The tops at This Fashion are almost catching up with the prices in the boutiques.  This seem to make the prices cheaper!  I really really am so shocked, to see the difference in quality, as in the cutting in boutiques are better than the mass-production This Fashion chains.  Hence, I start to realise, it is better to purchase good quality apparels from boutiques, than from your regular this fashion stores.  I start to have more discerning taste for skirts too.  For myself, I have a heavier bottom and it will be difficult for me to fit into M size when the waist line is always loose and too tight on the S size, when my bottom is too tight.

This is a very good opportunity… for eg:  for me to recover through retail therapy.  It is really a very very song shopping day for me, as i can effectively handle all the sales staff’s hard selling and buy only the things I like. 

Later, I met up with Lynn, my former merchant turned friend.  She asked me about my personal life and dunno why, I seem to be able to tell her honestly that i broke up one month ago.  Then, she is quite impressed that I can get over it after one month.  Then, I told her that I almost cried everyday for the past few weeks.  No matter, who initates, the sadness is still the same.
 
Anyway, I have a nice nick name for him (Hereby, I pronounced you):  North Koh.

..23072008..

I watched the beach, babes, volley ball and perfect cut.  Both are talking about relationships and both are exact different ends. 

The 9pm show, beach, babes, volley ball tells of a story when a man cheats on her girlfriend by going to bed with her best friend.  The girl later broke up with this guy.  The best friend wanted very much to be with the guy but was rejected still.  Later the man is also quite sore about being dumped by the girl. 

Suddenly, my mum said something:  Next time when you find boyfriend, it’s better to find someone who loves you more than you do.  After that, I tell her not to tell me these type of things.  I wanted to tell her, i dun want to get married already! But refrained.  Wait she thinks I am crazy.  Ha…  You won’t die without men, but one thing for sure, you surely can live without men!

Today I had an urge to scold him "nuo fu", meaning coward.  Tink i scolded him many many times in the morning, afternoon and night.  The more courageous a man is, the more cowardly he will be.  This is true of him. 

Sorry, I can’t help but scolding you, i know you don’t know.  Anyway, you won’t know.

For a man who is brave to start and not brave to carry on throughout, how man can he be?  I would not want to be with a weakling like him.

JC Koh, I despise you. 

Strange.  Why did I only see him no up, only now??  Why did i ever fall for such a selfish and cowardly man in the first place?  I won’t want to be signing on my death certificate yet.

..22072008..

Despite the sad news for the past few weeks.  Let me highlight some happy ones?! 

22 Aug is my last day at amex, which I really have no idea it will come so soon.. Might as well la.  What am i going to do while i am still zuobo-ing?  I will make a list.

- Do facial (trial one)
- Go trim my hair again
- Take photo for my new staff pass
- Shop for more clothes
- Go for one more tarot reading
- Another day for me to sleep alot at home

..21072008..

I had a dream last night.  In the dream, I was wif jiecong.  Den I was very curious how come I am still with him.  Then i told him that in reality, we are not together already.  Then he sort tink, say nevermind, or did not comment. 

The onset of this dream says that I have realised and accepted the fact we are have officially broken up.  There is however, one setback.  I seems to be very soft-hearted, probably deep down in my heart, I would still want to be with him.  That is probably hence, in my dreams only.  Why am I not angry to see him again, even in my dreams?  Wondering*

A few days ago, I told myself I don’t want to get married at all.  Just yesterday, I thought of marrying someone decent the next day.  What is happening to my thinking?  Isn’t reading the book supposed to make me more peaceful?  My heart is so fickle minded - everchanging.  One thing that has improved.  Today is Monday and i was at the bus stop again.  I did not cry at all!

Just that next time I would not be so trusting in men again.  All men are "Fan Ren".  Actually I din know this is a considered a silent break, probably its a half silent, coz there was no fullstop to it.  I have to go through one month of self talk to come to terms with this reality.

Still, I am not able talk about it when my friends asked me about it.  I just told them I am too sad too talk about it.  Whenever friends try to show concern for me, I will tend to push them away.  But not talking about it, I will be better, as I will then not be reminded of the sad past.

At least, I am not married with kids, and divorced again.  Treat it as a bad dream, a debt paid, and to lessen my sins in my next life.

..21072008..